I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't
Holla f**k the world with my chest full of smoke
I choke on my breakfast, the end of my necklace
Say Dopehouse Records, Screwston, Texas
The diamonds in my emblem is cut like a princess
You can keep the Lexus, cause I got two Benzes
I'm in your girlfriends' hot intestines
Cause I bought her two dresses and some contact lenses
Got a message in a bottle, hit the throttle in my carro
Click and clack my semi auto cause I'm trying to see tomorrow
Bought a condo for my top ho cause she working that taco
It's the top selling vato, twenty threes on the Tahoe
TV screens, margarita machines with street marines
Got love for the Crips, and Bloods, and Latin Kings
If it means anything this for all my G's
I'm in jail cause I forgot my f**king ABC's
Another DWI, drunk and f**king high
I'll be out before the motherf**king sun can touch the sky
They call me young Thurston Howell the Third
And that's my word
I'm a swang, I'm a swerve
I'm a park and scrape the curve
[Chorus: repeat 2X]
Why when I'm not high does my life
Feel like it's missing something
I know that I must be high
So that I can function
I'm a use my three wishes, I'm very superstitious
No matter where I go I meet a bunch of horny bitches
Burn a few bridges, feed a few pigeons
F**k em so good they wake up and wash dishes
The food was delicious, bacon, eggs, and biscuits
No French kisses and no hippopotamuses
I'm picky, if you strictly dickly, you can't get with me
As I represent Houston like the damn Whitney
I'm a get em when I get em I loved em and I fed em
Lived in peace, I ain't gonna let em when I see em I'm gonna wet
Shut em down like D-Town and the homie Ackavelie
Peace to Happareli and my nigga John Freddy
My drink is thick as jelly, I love my shit muddy
Four of us in this bitch and we gonna do them boys ugly
Ready for the rumble, leave em lying in a puddle
Y'all don't really want no trouble with the lord of the jungle
I walks in the club, a grabbing on my dick
As the police officers patting down my click
They say my bandana breaks the dress code
Every fine f**king bitch I see is my ex ho
I'm hogging and I'm dogging creeping and I'm crawling
Believe me this my calling it's time to do you all in
Everybody jump jump, boys trip what what
Let my double barrel shotty go barump-pa-pump-pum
Slangin slab motor rocks up in no man's land
Burnin off in my "Smokey and the Bandit" Trans Am
The rope around my neck is just dangling and jangling
Sometime I smoke the rain, it get wetter than a penguin
Aunt Jemima sipper, hoes like Jack Tripper
Peace to Big Dipper, what the deal my nigga
Hook like Johnny Topy, it's Dopehouse living prosperous
I tip my waitress and she can't stop saying 'Gracias'
My grandma deserved a much better life than the one that was handed to her.
She was a fighter, a survivor, and all around the most beautiful person I knew. She radiated poise and elegance. She made me feel loved beyond measure. I consider her not only the most influential person of my childhood, but of my entire life so far.
My parents and I lived on a ranch, with my grandparents just a few feet next door. I didn’t have many friends and as an only child, my only source of human interaction was skipping over to her house every morning before school, and racing to the big white doors once I returned home. My grandma was my best friend — we did everything together.
While we didn’t always get along, I never felt safer and more loved than when I was in her presence.
When I was 10 years old, my grandma (or as I called her, Ma) was diagnosed with lung cancer. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. My mom just told me to spend as much time with her as possible, but none of it made sense to me. My grandma had never smoked a day in her life. She was the healthiest person I knew.
I latched onto my grandma as she went through her treatment, and a year later was given a clean bill of health. We were all ecstatic, and I was so glad to have my best friend back by my side, instead of in a hospital bed. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t taken advantage of that time.
The summer before my freshman year of high school, my grandma was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. How could this happen? She was so good to herself, and to all of us, and had been punished with this disease.
The doctors tried their best, but eventually she was completely bedridden.
This was not the grandma I knew: the grandma I knew was lively and vivacious and feisty and glowed with love. The women I saw laying in bed everyday was sick and cold and could barely talk. She now had strange people surrounding her, helping her take her medications and refilling her oxygen tanks… I didn’t know this person.
No one knew how much time she had left, and that terrified me to no end. This woman was my idol, my hero and my inspiration. She inspired me in so many ways and to see her like this sent me into a deep, deep depression. I developed severe anxiety disorder and wouldn’t sleep. I spent every day that summer by my grandma’s side, never knowing when God wanted to beckon her up to her new home.
I walked into my math class on my first day of high school, and not even 15 minutes into the class I was called to the office. That’s when it hit me: I knew something wasn’t right.
I couldn’t feel anything, and I just wanted to shut down. My mom picked me up, sobbing, but I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I sat in silence in the car on the way to my grandma’s house and I felt the worst gut feeling when I walked into her room. I will never forget that sight. My grandma, with no life in her once sparkling eyes, laying in bed, cold and no longer living. I was given some time to say goodbye, but it never felt like long enough. That day was the last time I ever saw my grandma, and it was not in the way I had hoped.
It’s been almost five years since my grandma has passed and I would be lying if I said that it’s not still hard.
Everyday I think of her and everything she went through. She worked so hard to give my family and I the life we enjoy today. The grief will come at random times, and will linger for days, but she never leaves my mind. I love my grandma more than anyone I have ever met in my entire life.
She inspired me to do what I love, and I wouldn’t be half the person I am if it wasn’t for her. One of her favorite things was theatre — she was an actress and a singer, just like me. Whenever I hear the lyrics from a song in my favorite show (Into the Woods), I know my grandma is there with me, and I know she is proud of what I’ve done, even when I’m not.
“Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the wood. Do not let it grieve you, no one leaves for good. You are not alone. No one is alone.”
Filed Under: Articles, Figuring Stuff Out, Mother's DayTagged With: cancer, grandma, life after loss, lung cancer, mother's day, personal essay